Tag Archives: access

You Can’t Start A Fire, You Can’t Start A Fire Without A Spark From These 12 New Accessories


Bruce Springsteen

The 16th is National Boss Day, but I gotta ask: since when does Springsteen deserve his own holiday? Baby, we were born to boycott, and we’re doing it in true AutoAnything style by distracting you from dancing in the dark with this crop of 12 new accessories.

Elite Automotive Camaro Paint-Matched License Plate FramesFeature: These Elite Automotive license plate frames are the only ones that come painted with factory-match colors. Benefit: They’re even vainer than your B1CH1N vanity plates.  Each comes with the true Camaro SS logo.

Elite Automotive Camaro Paint-Matched License Plate Frames

Elite Automotive Corvette Paint-Matched License Plate FramesFeature: Same as the other license plate frames by Elite Automotive, only with Corvette colors.

Elite Automotive Corvette Paint-Matched License Plate Frames

CURT Euro Ball MountFeature: Their one-piece design makes these CURT hitch balls as slender as a goose’s neck. Benefit: They make great cudgels when Bill O’Reilly sics Fox Security on you for buying something European.

CURT Euro Ball Mount

Extang B-Light Tonneau Lighting SystemFeature: These truck bed lights give your payload the lux fiat treatment. Benefit: Along with the cooler of Vitamin Water, harem-esque pillows and bowl of dried apricots, these Extang lights are the finishing touch to your compassionate coyote transport rig.

Extang B-Light Tonneau Lighting System

Putco LED BulbsWith their 360-degree design, installing these LED lights from Putco is like cutting and pasting the sun into your rig’s tail lights, brake lights, turn signal lights—any automotive lights you want.

Putco LED Bulbs

Access Truck Bed LightsAlthough you can’t clap-on-clap-off these Access truck bed lights, they do feature a nifty built-in on/off switch. And, they’re powerful enough to illuminate your entire payload, even if you have a pickup truck tonneau cover installed.

Access Truck Bed Lights

Classic Accessories Snow Thrower CabShields are to the knight in shining armor as these snow blower cabs from Classic Accessories are to the man being forced by his wife to clear snow from the driveway.

Classic Accessories Snow Thrower Cab

Rugged Ridge XHD Reclining Jeep SeatsIf there’s an equivalent to “dad’s chair” in the Jeep seats market, it’s these babies from Rugged Ridge.

Rugged Ridge XHD Reclining Jeep Seats

Rugged Ridge XHD Ultra Jeep SeatIf “Premium” is the best, “Ultra” is even better. And, these Jeep accessories are as “Ultra” as a guitar amp that goes to 11.

Rugged Ridge XHD Ultra Jeep Seat

Rugged Ridge XHD Rubicon Jeep SeatDenial isn’t just a river in Africa, and Rubicon isn’t just a river in Italy—it’s also a line of Rubicon-grade Jeep seats from Rugged Ridge.

Rugged Ridge XHD Ultra Jeep Seat

Rugged Ridge XHD Off-Road Jeep SeatXHD = Extreme Heavy Duty—three words that don’t describe any kind of seat you’d want to plop your butt into. But hey, Jeep people are different.

Rugged Ridge XHD Off-Road Jeep Seat

Rhino Rack Cargo BasketFeature: These roof cargo baskets from Australia’s own Rhino Rack are wrought from aluminum. Benefit: The aluminum is alloyed with PaulHoganium, giving it the power to cull water buffalos and detect whether a sheila is really a bloke.

Rhino-Rack Alloy Tray Cargo Basket

Extra, Extra! 8 New Accessories Available Now


Newsies

Hot off the presses, it’s the New Product Times-Picayune-Gazette, bringing you only the finest automotive bric-a-brac fit to print.

Adarac Truck RackFor this rack upgrade, you won’t have to take a medical holiday to Thailand or hole up in your apartment recouping—it’s a turnkey solution for your application and verbiage verbiage verbiage. Beyond the marketing jibber-jabber, this tonneau cover rack from Access racks bolts directly into your stake pockets, so there’s no need to hunt down and dust off your Makita for this project. And, it leaves your bed open for any inside-the-rails tonneau cover.

Access Adarac Truck Rack

Truxedo B-LightTruXedo wanted to call these truck bed lights “A-Lights,” but the only celebrities who responded to the endorsement listing were Delta Burke, Rudy Ray Moore and Dave Coulier. Personally, we think that if these LED lights were to show up to the A-list Hollywood club, Voyeur, the bouncer would be so impressed by the powerful bulbs and ease of installation that he’d let them in. Not to mention, these Truxedo lights are backed by a one year warranty.

TruXedo B-Light Tonneau Lighting System

PlasmaGlow Fire & Ice LED Mud Flap LightsLike a mullet, these LED lights from PlasmaGlow attach to your mud flaps to give your truck a business-in-the-front, party-in-the-back kind of look.

PlasmaGlow Fire & Ice Mud Flap Lights

Thule Rack PadsYou could strap some elbow pads to your crossbars, but you better be prepared to get clowned in the parking lot by your boys. Save some face by cushioning your base rack system with these spongy roof rack accessories from Thule, Sweden’s finest export after Nordic swimsuit models.

Thule Rack Pads

Thule StackerBecause untangling your bikes from the heap you piled ’em in isn’t conducive to the start of a relaxing jaunt down the boardwalk, keep those two-wheelers organized with this deluxe bike storage rack from Thule racks.

Thule Bike Stacker Storage Rack

MAXPRO Brake Bleeder KitPut down your leeches and give your kid a reprieve from the pump-pump-pump-hold duty—these professional-grade brake bleeder kits from Phoenix Systems come complete with everything you need to self-bleed your own brakes or clutch right in your garage.

Phoenix MAXPRO Brake Bleeder Kit

Phoenix V-12 Brake Bleeder KitThe perfect gift for the DIY phlebotomist and the amateur grease monkey who doesn’t need all the bells and whistles of the MAXPRO but still wants to do solo brake bleed jobs. Armed with a Phoenix Systems brake bleeder, anyone can get rock-hard brakes in about 10 minutes. Rock-hard buttocks, though, are not guaranteed…but, hey, there is a lot of squatting involved.

Phoenix V-12 Brake Bleeder Kit

Armor Lid Tonneau CoverDress your truck with the best form of defense since the moat: the new Armor Lid. This tough-as-nails hard tonneau cover boasts a triple Triplex design that can shoulder up to 1,000 lbs (that’s like an entire kindergarten class) and dual twist locks (to keep the grubby, paste-covered fingers of said kindergarteners off your valuables).

Armor Lid Tonneau Cover

Tonneau Covers – What’s with the Frenchy Name?


Back in the beginning of our second conflict with Sadaam and the I-raqis, America decided to rid itself of the French. The word French was replaced by Freedom; Bill O’Reilly led a boycott against French goods. So, how is it that these tonneau covers went untouched and un-renamed? Let’s take a closer look.

I try to steer clear of anything that sounds too fruity, and anything that even whiffs of the French is definitely too fruity for me. But, when I needed a truck bed cover for my Dodge, the one I bought said “tonneau” on the box. I was furious—the nerd at the local truck accessories shop must have known I would have stormed out before buying a frog product and hid the name from me. Anyways, I immediately went back and asked for a refund. What I got was a quick education in truck bed covers.

The guy behind the desk told me that, not only was this “tonneau” not French, it was made by a company called Access right here in America. Apparently, they inherited this wimpy euro name somewhere in the last 15 years, when soft vinyl covers became very popular. A “tonneau”, actually, was the name for the snap cover for the back seat of old cars, like Model Ts and such.

So, how did this name overtake something simple like “bed cover” or “truck bed cover?” Well, it had vinyl, and snaps, so some people couldn’t bother to separate them from a product that stopped appearing with regularity sometime after the Gatsbys of the world disappeared. At least that’s what that dork at the shop told me.

Me, I think it was a conspiracy, put on by the same censoring suits and hippies who back the liberal media conspiracy. Liberals love to spread French words and that hate-America-first, surrender-now attitude. It wouldn’t surprise me if they were trying to soften the truck-owning heart of America with wimpy language and gas-guzzler taxes like a 1-2 punch. If you have a truck bed cover, you’re still an all-American soldier, fighting for the American way. If you have a tonneau cover, though, you’re a weaker, softer drone just waiting for secular progressives to drag you along on their plans to fatten the wallets of New England elites. It’s a subtle word change, but it means so much more.

Right here and now, I’m calling for an extension of the French boycott that covers these fruity “tonneau covers.” From now on, they should be known as truck bed covers or freedom covers. If they’re not marked as such on the box, don’t buy it. Let the truck accessories dealers of America know what they’re supporting when they carry tonneau covers. I called the folks at Access and told them about the cause, and they told me they saw things my way, so I ended up buying one of their fine American covers anyway. They assured me that the name would change before I needed one for my next truck. And, they blacked out the word tonneau anywhere it appeared on the box. It’ll do for now.

There’s a big difference between a truck bed cover by Access and Access tonneau covers: whether or not you’re a true American. – David S. Brooks