After the Parisians spit in the eye of Uncle Sam, I hopped right onto the O’Reily bandwagon and stopped spending my hard-earned, over-taxed dollars on French goods. Though most of my chums down at the Elk’s Lodge decided to extend the ban to everything that sounds remotely French, I had to draw the line at tonneau covers. I mean, just because I think Chirac is a grade-A weenie doesn’t mean that I want to put up with poorer gas mileage. So I took a stand and got a tonneau. Here’s my story.
In order for everyone to understand where I’m coming from on this issue, I’ll need to delve into the storied history between the US and France. Back in 1914, World War I landed smack dab in the center of Europe, and France bit off a little more than she could chew. Turns out, for all their gusto, those cheese-eating generals couldn’t tell the difference between an Ottoman and a couch. So guess what happened? In came the American cavalry and saved their derrieres. Fast forward to 1939, and another major conflict erupted in the heart of Europe. Basically, it was the same players, same terrain, and same outcome. France got booted out of their own country, and the US had to come over and clean up the mess, again. Why do I bring this up? Simple. We’ve saved that ungrateful country so many times that they have no right to question our international doings. Our Greatest Generation didn’t die face down on the beaches of Normandy 60 years ago for France’s freedom to ignore our every command, no matter how absurd or wimsical.
So me and the rest of the boys down at our local Elk’s Lodge decided to take action. We started listening to this political wonk out of Levittown by the name of O’Reilly. According to his logic, the best way to fight back would be with our pocketbooks. He told us to stop buying French imports, and that’s exactly what we did. Wine? Only from California. Cheese? Better be from Wisconsin. Heartburn medicine? No Nexium for me, thank you very much.
Now, to be perfectly honest, it’s been a struggle. I haven’t had a decent flute of Champaign in nearly 2 years. And don’t even get me started on foie gras. I’m about one lackluster round of hors d’oeuvres away from force-feeding my own goose for even a single cracker’s worth of that pate. But I think all our sacrifice is really paying off because old Jacques up in the Elysee Palace is running away from reelection with his tail between his legs. That one goes out to the Gipper.
Unfortunately, this major victory is really going to the heads of some of the more power hungry boys in our Lodge. They want to expand the boycott to anything that even sounds remotely French. I can understand nixing baguettes from the grocery list and steering clear of cherries jubilee at restaurants. But I need my hair palmade. And after doing some online research, I learned that I really need a tonneau cover.
You see, I have to drive my truck for work, and the cost of gas keeps skyrocketing. I was nosing around on Google to see if I could find something to improve my fuel economy, and that’s when I stumbled across some articles about tonneau covers. Basically, they cover up your pickup’s box, which stops wind turbulence and cuts your drag. Long story short, you can save some serious dough at the pump with one of these. And there are a ton of companies all competing with each other, so the quality is top notch. I was giving serious consideration to Truxedo and Extang, but I finally went with a Pace Edwards retractable tonneau. I still catch hell down at the Lodge, but I don’t care. The cover was made in the USA, and I’m not going to hold it against the company that these miracle truck accessories sound like they came from Nice. C’est la vie.