The Fantastical Tale Of Arthur Fickelstein And The Missing Vent Visors

This is the tale of Arthur Fickelstein, a man whose dreams whose dreams come crashing down due to missing vent visors.

The year is 1994. It is Friday evening and the Fickelstein residence is alive with laughter. Everyone knows that Friday nights in the 90’s spells TGIF. Arthur Fickelstein, loving father and devoted husband, is performing his weekly family room comedy routine.

“What kind of animal wouldn’t you want to play cards with?”
A cheetah.

His kids, Timmy and Jimmy, erupt with laughter. Lisa, Arthur’s wife, is parked next to them on the couch, anxiously awaiting the latest episode of Full House to come on. This was a typical Friday night routine for the Fickelsteins. After a long week of work and school they would all relax, eat pizza, watch TGIF and smile until their cheeks hurt. Life was good – darn good, if ya ask me.

Arthur worked as an internet consultant, working to battle the Y2K dilemma. He enjoyed his job, but didn’t want to spend his whole life worrying about computer problems. Arthur’s mind was quick as a rat trap. He knew that his job wouldn’t last a day past January 1, 2000. So why sit around and wait for his career to end? Instead, Arthur started looking for new jobs; more permanent jobs where he wouldn’t have to worry so much. And after just a few days of looking, he found the perfect job – manager of an automotive company. “Hey, computers may come and go, but cars are here to stay,” he thought.

So Arthur brushed up on his automotive knowledge, sent in his resume and landed an interview that week – Friday. That morning he trimmed his nails, took a Q-tip to his ears, threw on his power tie and made his favorite breakfast. He was feeling good. He felt confident. He was going to get that job.

Arthur, being the smart fellow that he was, left his house an hour early for a drive that would only take twenty minutes. On his way he made a quick stop at one of those quick car washes; the ones where you don’t have to even get out of your car. Surely he couldn’t pull up to an interview at a car company in a dirty car. When Arthur’s 1992 Ford Taurus pulled out of that car wash that candy apple red paint was sparkling like a sparkler on the 4th of July.

Everything was going well until Arthur hit the highway. There must have been an accident because traffic was barely moving. “On no!” Arthur thought. “I need to make it there on time.” He was only going to the next exit, so he pulled into the narrow shoulder, one wheel on grass, one on pavement. Suddenly his right tire dipped into a pot hole, splashing his entire car in dark droopy, chunky mud. Arrrrghhhhhh!

The time was now 10:47. His interview was at 11. He definitely didn’t have time to go back to the car wash. He flipped on his wipers, pulled the washer fluid lever and started cleaning the windows. But Arthur forgot that his windows were open. When the fluid shot out, the wind blew a mixture of glass cleaner and mud all over Arthur. This was the last straw. His car was dirty, his suit was dirty, and worst of all, he was now late. You could imagine the look on the interviewer’s face when Arthur finally showed up.

Needless to say, Arthur did not get the job. That night when he got home there were no, no pizza, no Full House – just an empty shell of man. Oh yea, and it turns out everything was fine when the year 2000 hit. Oh well, I guess Arthur should have just kept his job.

What could he have done to avoid this? Well, if he had considered adding vent visors and bug shields to his car, he could have avoided that whole mess. Oh well, TGIF – Mike Rosania


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